On the first day of Christmas my true love said to me

There are some presents that need assembly.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

2 end caps

And instructions in Chinese

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

3 wrenches

2 end caps

and said this will be easy

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

Insert part A into part B

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

5 wooden dowels

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

And an extended warranty

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

6 bolts a-tightening

5 wooden dowels

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

And there’s a part that is missing

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

7   screws a-turning

6 bolts a-tightening

5 wooden dowels

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

This is a catastrophe!

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

8 tabs inserting

7   screws a-turning

6 bolts a-tightening

5 wooden dowels

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

Why didn’t we pay for assembly?

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

9 parts attaching

8 tabs inserting

7   screws a-turning

6 bolts a-tightening

5 wooden dowels

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

That’s not how it looked on TV

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

10 nails a-tapping

9 parts attaching

8 tabs inserting

7   screws a-turning

6 bolts a-tightening

5 wooden dowels

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

What am I supposed to do with these?

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

11 fasteners fastening

10 nails a-tapping

9 parts attaching

8 tabs inserting

7   screws a-turning

6 bolts a-tightening

5 wooden dowels

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

And the part that was missing

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me,

12 decals attaching

11 fasteners fastening

10 nails a-tapping

9 sides attaching

8 tabs inserting

7   screws a-turning

6 bolts a-tightening

5 wooden dowels

4 short screws

3 wrenches

2 end caps

Please read instructions before assembly!

© 2011 Lynn Rebuck

            What’s so hard about turning a few pieces into a finished product?  Well, let’s just say the cam bolts aren’t cooperating, the pre-drilled holes were not pre-drilled, and the instructions were translated into English by someone in a foreign country who has a sense of humor and a sadistic side.  At times like this I do not enjoy my Constitutional right to assemble.

            I got halfway through the project when I realized two of the parts were on backwards.  This is not a good thing, especially if you are putting together a bike. This kind of creativity can get you in trouble on Christmas morning.  So I not only enjoyed the experience of assembling the gift, but disassembling and reassembling it as well.

            It has become my Christmas tradition in this column to parody a well-known Christmas song as my gift to you, my devoted readers.  This year I put together some lyrics for you to sing as you attempt to assemble items over the next few days. See my next post for the lyrics and sing along! Merry Christmas!

Lynn Rebuck is an award-winning humor columnist, speaker, and holiday lyricist.  Her column appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. Email Lynn your favorite funny assembly story at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com. (c) 2011 Lynn Rebuck