Posts Tagged ‘Back to School’
|Moms & Dads, Start Your Engines!©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Thursday, September 15th, 2011
Each weekday afternoon, just prior to dismissal, the semi-circle driveway of my daughter’s school resembles the beginning of a great automobile race: The Elementary 500. Cars coast into starting positions, crowded bumper to bumper on the asphalt track of scholastic speedway. Some arrive as much as an hour early in an attempt to get the flagpole position. Eventually the bell rings, someone waves a green backpack, the engines rev, and the race begins!
Every morning when I arrive at the school it appears the race is already in progress. Cars whip into the lot, slow down momentarily to catapult children towards their classrooms, and re-enter the race. I’m convinced that I saw Jeff Gordon dropping off his daughter. He was the only one with a pit crew.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I needed to enroll at the famous Bondurant School of Race Car Driving just to keep up with the other drivers. I’m hoping that they offer practical classes for parents like “Weaving Between Cars, Vans, and Busses while giving a Bottle to a Baby in the Car Seat in the Back,” “How to Park in a Red Zone and Make It Appear You Are Still Moving,” and “Quadruple Parking: How, When, and Why.”
Maybe the school of driving has courses like “When Your Carpool Drives You Crazy,” or “Meditation near the Median: Dropping Your Stress While Picking Up Your Kids,” or “Yoga for Yugo Drivers.” After a few unsuccessful trips through the lot (it was about 33 laps before I could actually pick up my child), I got smart.
I borrowed a workman’s jumpsuit and my daughter’s bicycle helmet. In the style of all great racers, I put large stickers on the helmet and patches on the jumpsuit. Extra Strength Tylenol. Huggies Diapers. Kraft Miracle Whip. NASCAR had nothing over me, except for wealthy corporate sponsors paying a large fee for high-speed advertising, great publicity, and a huge, loyal following. Still, I decided I’d give it my best shot. Early the next morning I donned the jumpsuit and strapped on the helmet.
With paint still dripping down the sides of my minivan from the red number 7’s I painted on each door, I climbed in behind the wheel. I revved my engine and squealed the tires. Then I remembered to put the garage door up. As I drove I felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins. When we turned onto the street the school was on, I noticed fewer cars on the road.
As we were about to arrive, my daughter reached into her backpack then handed me a crumpled piece of pink paper with the school letterhead at the top. I glanced at it as I pulled into the deserted elementary driveway.
After a moment, I rolled down my window, unsnapped my helmet, and screamed at the eagle atop the empty flagpole, “What do you mean there’s no school today!” Only one question crossed my mind: How many more laps before summer vacation?
Lynn Rebuck races around writing a nationally award-winning humor column that appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. You can email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: Back to School, Bondurant, carpool, driving, elementary, funny, humor, Jeff Gordon, motherhood, parenting, racing, School
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Mom’s Back to School Homework ©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tuesday, September 6th, 2011
I hate the first day of school. I always end up with more homework than the kids. There is always a sizeable stack of forms for me to review, complete, and sign. There used to be fewer, less complicated forms when children started back to school. Now I need a paralegal to help me.
First I encounter numerous classroom contracts which my son and I need to sign in triplicate. Some need to be notarized. We must stipulate to standards for classroom behavior, attendance, and homework completion. I am sending my son to school this year with counteroffers.
Next I must complete the 
registration card requiring emergency contact information. Designating someone to pick up your child when he or she becomes feverishly ill is always a tricky decision. It’s tough to get someone to commit for a second year of service once they’ve had to clean your child’s morning meal out of their minivan.
There is also the fairness and reciprocity rule to consider. If the individual you previously listed had to pick up your child multiple times, while her remarkably healthy children didn’t need you to come to the rescue the entire school year (they didn’t even have cavities), it would be inappropriate to ask her to commit to another year on-call.
Next in the stack is a media consent form that asks whether I authorize my son’s image to be photographed, his name to be published on the Internet or in the news media, and for him to be interviewed by Anderson Cooper. Hmmm, I’m going to have to consult my son’s talent agent and publicist before I respond to that one.
By the time I get to the “radiological emergency” card I am overwhelmed with anxiety and ready to home school him. Since we live within a ten mile radius of a nuclear power plant, I must decide whether to authorize school personnel to give him an emergency dose of potassium iodide in the event of a nuclear emergency.
A more ominous card has evolved from the emergency contact card: the “catastropic emergency” form. In the event of a total meltdown, no wait, that would fall under the nuclear emergency card…umm, in the event of a complete catastrophe, who do I want to pick up my child? My first choice would be the First Lady. Michelle Obama can pick him up with Air Force One. I hope she doesn’t mind. I’d be happy to reciprocate.
By the time I finished all of the forms I suffered from severe writer’s cramp, had multiple paper cuts, and my signature had degraded into a series of illegible curves and squiggles.
But if a school district photographer ever snaps a photo of my son as Michelle Obama rushes him onto Air Force One following a catastrophic “nucular” chain reaction right after school personnel administer iodide to him in the wake of an incident at a nuclear reactor, district officials need not worry. I signed the forms.
Lynn Rebuck is a national award-winning humor columnist, counselor, and speaker. She is currently looking for loopholes in the library book return policy. Fan her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, and email her at Lynn@lynnrebuck.com. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: Air Force One, Back to School, Children, homework, humor, Michelle Obama, mother, motherhood, parenting, School, september
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Welcome Back to School, Please Sign Here © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Monday, September 13th, 2010
As a mom, I always dread the ton of homework that I get assigned on the first day of school. There is always a sizeable stack of forms for me to review, complete, and sign. There used to be fewer, less complicated forms when kids started back to school. Now I need a paralegal to help me fill them all out.
First I encounter numerous classroom contracts which my son and I need to sign in triplicate. Some need to be notarized. We must stipulate to standards for classroom behavior, attendance, and homework completion. I am sending my son to school this year with counteroffers.
Next I must complete the (more…)
Tags: Back to School, classroom, Emergency Contact, forms, funny, humor, motherhood, parenting, School, teachers
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