Posts Tagged ‘family’
|Crowd Control© 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Monday, November 28th, 2011
Last week I survived angry mobs, pepper spray, and political power struggles. And that was all during Thanksgiving at my house.
I didn’t have to occupy Wall Street or vie for early-morning Black Friday specials to narrowly miss getting hosed down (never trust a six-year old with a turkey baster) or trampled (avoid standing between a group of men and their seats in front of the first football game of the day).
Frankly, I am most thankful for the fact that I survived Thanksgiving. Next year, to make the day go smoother, I am inviting an official from the NFL to referee our dinner.
What we need at our annual gatherings is a guy with a black and white striped shirt and a whistle to keep the peace.
This year I witnessed multiple dining room offenses that would have warranted a flag down on the plate.
I’m positive that that as I was calling an audible over the meal (saying grace), there was some illegal motion in the backfield.
Before the blessing was over an infraction occurred at the line of scrimmage. A hand reached across to grab a roll resulting in an offside call. The offender was given a warning and a ten-yard penalty into the kitchen.
I could barely believe that in response to a simple request to “pass the gravy” several yellow flags could have been thrown down.
With the antique gravy boat poised in mid-air, I witnessed pass interference, roughing the passer, and a facemask infraction. Why one teen had to grab the other’s retainer head gear is beyond me.
When my adorable little niece in the high chair decided that she despised her food she intentionally grounded her strained turkey. Since she would still have to eat the festive fowl, she was informed she also faced a delay of game penalty. She then intentionally grounded her mashed potatoes and peas in protest.
Our halftime show is not nearly as entertaining as what the NFL offers. The musical selections are usually limited to a few eager, off-key not-so-sober soloists who relish a captive audience. They are followed by a male a capella group that favors us with a series of burps in various keys. Occasionally there is a wardrobe malfunction that most prefer to forget, since it usually involves an overweight uncle.
The highlight of my day is when the tryptophan in the turkey kicks in and they all fall fast asleep. It can’t happen soon enough with this group.
There is one annual violation for which I make no excuse: excessive celebration. At the end of the day I spiked the turkey carcass and wobbled my knees triumphantly, playing it up for the holiday crowd. I might even make Madden’s highlight reel this year.
Lynn Rebuck is a national award-winning humor columnist, speaker, and photojournalist whose column appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. She once punted a roast turkey to avoid being tackled. Email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com, follow her on Twitter and fan her on Facebook. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: Black Friday, family, football, holidays, John Madden, NFL, Occupy Wall Street, relationsihps, Thanksgiving, turkey
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Family-Friendly Vacations© 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, August 10th, 2011
Planning a family vacation is no picnic.
I’ve spent hours searching for family-oriented beaches, family-friendly hotels, and family-friendly restaurants. Now all I need is the friendly family to go on the trip. Mine has been a little surly lately.
It may be the thought of leaving all the comforts of home that they constantly complain about to go on a sun-filled vacation of family togetherness that makes my kids all irritable, or it may be the fact that they need to pack a smaller version of their stuff to take along.
Since we do not own a Hummer stretch limousine, there are packing limitations. No longer will I mount a car-top carrier on the roof and leave a trail of clothing on the Interstate that we could follow home. I’m thinking of charging my kids each a $25 bag fee for suitcases.
I have tried to teach my kids how to pack a suitcase. I consulted family magazines, travel magazines, and websites galore in an effort to simplify the packing process. None of the tips, even from the travel experts, worked for us. So here is a list of packing and travel tips that I devised over the years. I hope they benefit you during your travel this summer.
Experts say that you should pack your suitcase and then remove half of the items. I suggest that you pack the kids into the car and then remove half of them from the car. The trip will be quieter and the car roomier.
Provide lots of games for children to play along the way, especially if you are traveling by plane. In the airport security line kids enjoying playing verbal games like “I See Something Metal,” and “Simon Says.” (Simon Says take off your shoes; Simon says hold your hands above your head; Simon says don’t make fun of mommy’s body scan.”)
Make frequent rest stops. It’s wise to find a suitable location for a break before you give your children any liquids. While Foudor’s has helpful guides to many countries and tourist attractions, they have yet to publish a parent’s guide to the best restrooms. What I’d like to see is a travel guide that features five-star ratings on washroom facilities.
Experts say that you should roll clothes before putting them in the suitcase to save space. I suggest folding your clothes into origami shapes. It makes the workday more interesting for TSA agents.
Allow room in your suitcase for souvenirs, like the gallon of aloe vera burn lotion, the plastic pitcher and booties from the ER visit, and the oversized stuffed animal that your child accidentally won at the theme park that cost you $200.
Remember, we’re making memories as we travel, and the places you visit will never be the same after you leave, so enjoy them and the time with your children. We have a family vacation tradition. No matter how many stars a hotel has when my family and I check in, it has one less when we leave.
Lynn Rebuck is a national award-winning humor columnist and speaker whose column appears weekly in the Record Express, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. Email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com, read her blog at www.LynnRebuck.com, fan her on Facebook, and follow her on Twitter. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: affordable, airport security, auto, Children, family, Foudors, games, packing tips, plane, Summer, Travel, vacations
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Save the Beaches©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Thursday, August 4th, 2011
Each year tons of sand disappears from American beaches. I’m pretty sure my family is responsible for removing most of it. I don’t know about you, but I’m always surprised there is still sand on the beach when we leave.
If you ask me, this family-made erosion is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. The mid-Atlantic coastline is eroding at the rate of one-half meter per year thanks to our kids not knowing how to shake out a beach towel. Am I the only one walking around with a “Save the Beaches” bumper sticker covering my bikini cellulite?
When we’re at the beach, we’re used to having sand everywhere—sand in your sandwich, sand in your sandals, sand in your thousand island dressing. Instead of topping your slice of Mack & Manco’s pizza with parmesan, you top it with the new cheese/sand blend, parmesand. It makes for a crunchy meal, but hey, it’s the shore after all. We just accept that it’s part of the vacation.
But you don’t want the beach to follow you home.
I knew we were in trouble when we stopped at the first rest area on the parkway. When my daughter opened the car door sand poured out of the backseat.
There was so much sand in the car I expected to see Brendan Fraser chasing mummies at any moment.
It turns out that we brought back enough sand to start our own beach.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the sand. And the beach without sand would just be a long wave pool. It wouldn’t be as fun. There’d be no sand castles, no place to bury siblings, and no place to search for buried treasure (I really did bury a chest for my kids to dig up one year, complete with treasure map).
When we got back home I found sand in things that never even got near the beach. How does this happen?
I donated a sand trap to the local golf course. I overfilled the litter box. And I still had sand left over. So I looked into other options.
I learned that there is a process that restores sand to eroded beaches called beach nourishment. According to the an online research database, in the year 2000, Ocean City, New Jersey placed 1,351,000 cubic yards of sand back onto beaches at significant expense to the Federal government. The price tag? $6,943,000.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? I know how I’m going to earn some extra money this summer. Maybe I’ll earn enough to buy a new swimsuit. One without sand in it, that is.
Lynn Rebuck is a national award-winning humor columnist and speaker whose column appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. She is the proud owner of a collection of Ocean City beach tags. Read her blog at www.LynnRebuck.com her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com, fan her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck.
Tags: Beach, beach nourishment, beach renourishment, erosion, family, fun, humor, Kids, ocean, Ocean City, sand, sand castles, Summer, Vacation
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Driving Parents Crazy©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Sunday, July 17th, 2011
It is the time of year when many families head out on vacation. Some will bravely set out to drive to their destinations. It is with that in mind that I appeal to the big three automakers.
Detroit, we need change, and we need it now. Do you American auto manufacturers truly want to compete in today’s car market? Do you want to be solvent without begging for bailout money? Here’s the solution—make vehicles more parent-friendly.
So, GM, Chrysler, and Toyota (that is the third one, isn’t it?) here are my suggestions:
Forget about back-up cameras. What we need are backseat cameras to keep an eye on the kids. Parents are tired of craning their necks and threatening “Don’t make me come back there.” We’d like to be back there virtually all the time. Install some robotic arms for separating bickering children. You will, no doubt, garner the Motor Trend Car of the Year award for such design innovation.
Forget about a car that parallel parks itself. What we need is a car that drives carpools alone, that runs errands on its own, and that repairs itself.
Stop focusing on the smoothness of the ride and install shock absorbers in the back of each parent’s seat. These shocks should be strong enough that when kids kick the back of the seat, the parent should not even feel it.
OnStar is nice but we really need you to install a Super Nanny sound-alike into the GPS navigation to assist parents who are experiencing turn-by-turn aggravation.
Be less concerned about protecting us from engine whine and more concerned with protecting us from backseat whine. Perhaps installing Bose noise-cancelling headphones for the front seat passengers would help.
An age-old problem for parents that has never been addressed is the two-window-three-passenger backseat. To solve the seating dilemma so that each child gets a window, install a small sunroof directly over the middle seat.
While the pressure gauge on the dashboard that warns of a tire blowout is helpful, it may be more beneficial to install warning lights throughout the vehicle when a parent is about to blow.
After all, road rage was invented by a middle-class couple in the middle of the road in the middle of nowhere, who were each in the middle of a mid-life crisis. They were in the middle of what was to be a relaxing family vacation. They were supposed to visit an endless series of breathtaking locations, only instead ended up visiting a series of restroom locations where they had to hold their breath. Their kids had driven them to the brink of a breakdown.
Let’s face it, vacationing is work. At some point during the vacation everyone fantasizes about being home or even at work, though few will admit it. I think Detroit holds the keys to changing family driving vacations for the better. Let’s hope they get in gear.
Lynn Rebuck is a national award-winning humor columnist whose column appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. Visit her website, www.LynnRebuck.com, for more of her humor. She enjoys playing travel bingo while flying. Email her email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com, fan her on Facebook, and follow her on Twitter.© 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: auto travel, Chrysler, Detroit, driving vacation, family, family vacation, funny, GM, GPS, humor, Motor Trend, road trip, Toyota, Travel, Vacation
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Stuck on “The Middle”
Wednesday, May 4th, 2011
April 7-14 there was only one network sitcom that made the Parent Television Council’s list of best picks: ABC’s family comedy “The Middle.”
pulse of the throbbing vein in every parent’s forehead. Tackling subjects from a grade-schooler’s
discovery of the Internet (their youngest is a bibliophile who searched for a book
with unexpected consequences) to the dilemma of an underage daughter
sneaking into an R-rated film, “The Middle” does something that other sitcoms
do not: it shows the reality of raising kids without demeaning dialogue, sexual
scenes, or caustic cynicism.
or desiring the products placed strategically by sponsors. There is clutter, chaos, and a nuclear family trying to keep from imploding. It’s a lot like home, except there is brand-name product placement in my
kitchen for which I should be compensated. One of my favorite episodes was the
season one Valentine’s Day show. It was an entertaining true-to-life depiction
of the difficulties of celebrating a romantic holiday in the middle of the
challenges of parenting.
portrays parents as partners in parenting despite differences and
disagreements. Patricia Heaton and Neil
Flynn play Frankie and Mike Heck, middle class parents of three children. Both
actors have had successful sitcom careers (on Everybody Loves Raymond and Scrubs,
respectively) yet each explores new territory with these characters. They
portray a truth, transparency, and unity rarely depicted on sitcoms. Unlike the family on the Cosby show, where
the father was a medical doctor and the family was affluent, the Heck family
struggles with issues to which a majority of Americans can currently
relate—financial struggles, budgeting woes, and job loss. And if that wasn’t enough to deal with, they
still have to raise three kids—Axl, Sue, and Brick— who each have their own issues.
real-life fiascos, well-intentioned parents, and kids with three different
personalities amid the challenges of work,
technology, and peer pressure (for parents and teens). This is a show that families can watch
together. Parents can engage their children about the pressing topics depicted
like texting, inappropriate movie content, and bullying. “The Middle” is a win-win for families in a
television world where families are usually the biggest losers.
prime-time offerings is that the parents and kids are not the brunt of the
jokes; life is, with all its myriad complications and conflicts. In one episode
Frankie was torn between attending two simultaneous sporting events: a
cross-country meet (where her daughter got lost on the trail) and her son’s
football game, where she would have the rare opportunity to escort him onto the
field. Did she make it?
which sitcom viewers have become trained. In fact, it’s a lot like real life. As
we root the characters on to the finish, they often fail, fall short, or are disappointed
in ways to which we can all relate. The
message of the episodes, and of the series, is one of hope, encouragement, forgiveness,
perseverance, and family love. It’s a message worth hearing week after week as
we write our own sitcoms at home. As
parents, it’s nice to know we’re not the only ones struggling. ABC’s “The
Middle” reminds us that parenting is one Heck of a ride.
nationally award-winning humor columnist, former television producer, journalist, and speaker
who is passionate about helping parents navigate the issues of
media and technology. To contact Lynn about speaking to your group, email her at LynnRebuck@gmail.com. For more information about Lynn and to
read her blog, go to www.LynnRebuck.com . © 2011 Lynn Rebuck< ?xml:namespace prefix = o ns = “urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:office” />
Tags: ABC, Axl, Entertainment, families, family, Neil Flynn, parenting, Patricia Heaton, reviews, sitcom, Television, The Middle
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Non-Traditional Holiday Traditions © 2009 Lynn Rebuck
Saturday, December 12th, 2009
I decided that I might not be cut out for traditional Christmas traditions after our collapsing gingerbread house was condemned under a local ordinance. Most families have holiday traditions. Some seek out and saw down the perfect pine tree. I am allergic to evergreens. Many bake batches of Christmas cookies. I am allergic to baking. (more…)
Tags: family, fun, gumdrop, holiday, holidays, humor, motherhood, parenting, popcorn, recipe, teens, traditions
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