Posts Tagged ‘holiday’
|The Right to Assemble
Friday, December 23rd, 2011
Assembling toys is the nightmare before Christmas. Where’s an elf when you really need one? I am surrounded by parts, pieces, and instructions in several languages. I could care less about a jolly old guy in a red suit coming down the chimney. I’d like to have a handyman in overalls who speaks fluent instructionese show up at my door.
What’s so hard about turning a few pieces into a finished product? Well, let’s just say the cam bolts aren’t cooperating, the pre-drilled holes were not pre-drilled, and the instructions were translated into English by someone in a foreign country who has a sense of humor and a sadistic side. At times like this I do not enjoy my Constitutional right to assemble.
I got halfway through the project when I realized two of the parts were on backwards. This is not a good thing, especially if you are putting together a bike. This kind of creativity can get you in trouble on Christmas morning. So I not only enjoyed the experience of assembling the gift, but disassembling and reassembling it as well.
It has become my Christmas tradition in this column to parody a well-known Christmas song as my gift to you, my devoted readers. This year I put together some lyrics for you to sing as you attempt to assemble items over the next few days. See my next post for the lyrics and sing along! Merry Christmas!
Lynn Rebuck is an award-winning humor columnist, speaker, and holiday lyricist. Her column appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. Email Lynn your favorite funny assembly story at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com. (c) 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: 12 Days of Christmas, assembly, Christmas, fun, holiday, humor, parents, Parody, Seasons, toy
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Beck the Halls©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
I like Christmas music, but starting in early November it’s omnipresent: it’s in every store, in every elevator, and on every station, including talk radio (I fully expected Glenn to release a “Beck the Halls” Christmas CD).
As I searched the mall for an omnipresent (that’s the one gift that I could purchase in bulk for everyone) recently, I heard blaring from the speaker systems of three different stores an unintended medley of clashing carols: “Silent Rudolph the Red-Nosed Manger.” It was more than my fried-by-“Feliz Navidad” brain could handle.
I sought sanctuary in a nearby synagogue to escape the cacophony of carols. I hummed “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” to soothe and center myself. I don’t mind the holiday music, but it is so pervasive that it is affecting my every thought and intruding into all of my family’s conversations.
The other night I could have sworn that my daughter approached me and told me of her plans to go out with her adolescent friends by saying the phrase “We three teens of orient are….” Maybe I’m just hearing things.
“Do you hear what I hear?” inquired one of my children the night before Christmas.
“Is it the little drummer boy?” I asked.
“No,” he said.
“You know,” I said, “I heard the bells on Christmas Day.”
“That’s nice, Mom.”
“Their old familiar carols play,” I continued, making conversation.
“Mom, you’d better lay off the eggnog.”
“Can I have a friend over?” my son continued, standing next to a kid I hadn’t noticed before.
“What child is this?”
“Chris.”
“Which one is he? The Drummer’s little boy?”
“Funny, Mom. He’s the Taylor’s kid.”
“Joy to the world,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.
“Is that a yes?”
“What’s that smell?” interrupted another child.
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,” I mumbled. “Or it could be dinner.”
“Mom, can I go on a date with Paul?” asked my eldest.
“The little drummer boy?”
“He’s a percussionist in a rock band, Mom. And so what if he’s short, I just won’t wear heels.”
“When will you be back?”
“I’ll be home for Christmas,” she said.
I nodded and reached for more nog.
As she walked out the door, she called over her shoulder “You can count on me.”
“Did the box from Amazon arrive?” asked my son.
“Yes, it came upon a midnight clear.”
“I didn’t know UPS delivered that late.”
“’Tis the season, you know.”
You know, the three wise men were the first midnight madness shoppers, and they didn’t have any criss-crossing carols to contend with.
I am now in a 12 Steps of Christmas Recovery Program. Fa-la-la-la-la, la- la-la-Joy! © 2011 Lynn Rebuck. Follow Lynn on Twitter, fan her on Facebook, and email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com.
Tags: carols, Christmas, dreidel, Hanukkah, holiday, holidays, humor, Kids, Little Drummer boy, motherhood, music, parenting, Seasons, shopping, songs
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Red, White, and True©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tuesday, July 5th, 2011
I like to dress in patriotic colors on the Fourth of July, but I may have overdone it a bit this year with my red, white, and blue attire. I had no idea how flaglike I appeared until I nearly got run up a flagpole, was saluted several times, and when I bent over to pick up a Frisbee at the park someone nearby asked a fellow picnicker, “Did a previous president pass away?”
My heart is in the right place. I am a deeply patriotic American, proudly patriotic Pennsylvanian (what’s not to love about the cradle of liberty, birthplace of independence, and home of the cheese steak), and I wear my country’s colors with pride. They just happen to be bright colors. If the Founding Fathers had gone with beige or mauve, I wouldn’t look quite so garish each year.
Thanks to the high heat on the holiday, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if some of the main characters in our nation’s history were making their bold moves on behalf of our freedom with the benefit of the technology of today.
Betsy Ross, who was making flags in competition with other revolutionary seamstresses, would probably take out ads on Facebook asking fans to vote for their favorite flag design.
Thomas Jefferson would likely have Twittered from inside Independence Hall: “Long day. These guys can’t agree on anything. More rewrites.”
No doubt Benjamin Franklin would sell stoves on Craigslist, peddle bifocals on eBay, and post daily to his “Poor Richard’s Blog.” Ben Franklin would be the darling of Twitter, with his pithy, wise, and humorous tweets of 140 characters or less.
Lititz, Pennsylvania has its own history within the history of the holiday. The Independence Day celebration in Lititz is apparently the longest-running continuous Fourth of July celebration in the country. I believe it was started in 1775, before Jefferson even jotted down his outline for the Declaration of Independence on the back of the Constitution in ink only visible to Nicolas Cage.
I celebrated the Fourth of July in Lititz, but I was taken by surprise when three Boy Scouts swept me off my feet and attempted to fold me up into a triangle at the end of the day. Next year I think I’ll wear khaki.
Lynn Rebuck is a nationally award-winning humor columnist, speaker, and patriot. Everything in her fridge is either red, white, or blue. Her blog appears in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle. Visit her website to email her, fan her on Facebook, and follow her on Twitter.© 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: Ben Franklin, Betsy Ross, Craiglist, Facebook, flag, Fourth of July, holiday, humor, Independence Day, Pennsylvania, Thomas Jefferson, Twitter, United States
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“App E-New Year” © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Sunday, January 2nd, 2011
Thanks to those of you who expressed concern at the absence of my column last week via your new iPads, Kindles, and smart phones. Were you sincerely worried or were you just showing off your new electronic devices? If you just received one of these gadgets, you are not alone. It is estimated that hundreds of thousands of people received these gifts over the holiday. So far three of you have read the instructions.
While various rumors have been flying about the Internet and on TMZ, it is not true that I underwent plastic surgery (although it was on my Amazon wish list), interviewed for Larry King’s job (I can’t pull off the suspender look), or was adopted by Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt (that arrangement would definitely raise some Oedipal issues).
While I’d like to report that I was off on some lush tropical isle writing my next book about finding myself after my divorce (Eat, Bug Spray, Love) or that a really handsome TSA agent patted me down and asked me out on a date en route to some warm destination that doesn’t have the words “wind chill factor” in the nightly weathercast, it simply wouldn’t be true.
I merely forgot what day it was and neglected to turn in my column. It happened due to the holiday and the disruption to my normal routine (arise, make coffee, try think of something funny to say, play Farkle on Facebook instead). I’m pretty sure something similar has happened to you.
You see, on Friday I (more…)
Tags: 2011, calendar, Electronics, funny, holiday, humor, iPad, Kindle, new year, smart phone
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The 12 Layers of Christmas ©2010 Lynn Rebuck
Friday, December 24th, 2010
In light of the bitterly cold winter weather this year I have updated the classic holiday song “The Twelve Days of Christmas” with the wind chill factor in mind for this, my annual Christmas column.
The Twelve Layers of Christmas ©2010 Lynn Rebuck
On the first day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
A Penn State fleece Snuggie.
On the second day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Two pair of gloves,
and a Penn State fleece Snuggie.
On the third day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Three Steelers (Eagles) hats,
Two pair of gloves,
and a Penn State fleece Snuggie.
On the fourth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me
Four flannel shirts,
Three team hats,
Two pair of gloves,
and a Penn State fleece Snuggie.
On the fifth day of Christmas,
my true love sent to me (more…)
Tags: Christmas, clothing, fleece, freezing, funny, holiday, humor, polartec, pop culture, Song, Weather, Winter
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Dashing Through the Stores ©2009 Lynn Rebuck
Saturday, December 18th, 2010
On the verge of a holiday spending spree and under deadline pressure (unfinished Christmas shopping, or to be completely honest, unstarted Christmas shopping), I write my annual Christmas shopping advice column.
Since I am a procrastinator, each year I will be surrounded by men who are shopping for their wives at a mall on Christmas Eve. Except for employees, I will be the only woman in the store, and I will be asked numerous times for advice by these men.
My hope is that men will read this column before they go shopping, saving me time and saving them embarrassment on Christmas morning. So here’s my advice for last-minute male shoppers:
1. No matter how supportive your wife is of your fishing or hunting hobby, she does not want an electronic fish that sings or a moose that dances.
2. Do not purchase season tickets to your favorite sports team “for her.”
3. Blenders are not sexy. Unless she has given you specific written directions to purchase an appliance for her, stay out of the kitchen department.
4. Jewelry is a wonderful gift, but selecting it can be sometimes confusing. There are numerous metals and stones to choose from, as well as different settings, cuts, and clasps. When in doubt, buy her the more expensive piece (ladies you can thank me later).
5. Do not buy her pierced earrings unless her ears are pierced. If you have been married longer than two minutes, you should know this about her.
6. The item you selected is indicative of how much you know and care about her. If you don’t know what size clothing your wife wears, don’t guess. Buy her jewelry instead.
7. No matter how tempting a sale may seem, do not buy a woman shoes.
8. Women seldom like practical gifts.
9. Do not, under any circumstances, buy a storm door for her, no matter how long she’s been asking for one.
10. Fancy wrapping cannot cover an insincere gift (I think I read that in a fortune cookie).
11. If the ink is still wet when she reads your Christmas card, you will be penalized. Do not misspell her name.
12. Remember, before wrapping a gift remove the price tag. A woman will not be impressed when handed an item that has been marked down several times over. Don’t tell her how much money you saved on her present.
Lynn Rebuck is an award-winning humor columnist, speaker, and comedian. Check out her humor video “Two Nights Before Christmas,” a updated version of the classic poem told from a woman’s point of view on her website, www.LynnRebuck.com. Email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com. © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: bargain, Christmas, deals, funny, gifts, holiday, humor, marriage, Men, purchase, shopping, stores, wife
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A TSA Thanksgiving© 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
Thanksgiving went very well thanks to my vigilance. I made sure Tom Turkey received a full body scan at the grocery checkout, patted him down at home, and did a cavity search to make sure he wasn’t concealing any C-4 explosives. I discovered only a slimy gizzard, a displaced liver, and a scrawny neck. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it. It’s possible that the “free range” where Tom Turkey came from may have been a terrorist training camp.
I’m fairly certain that had Chevy Chase been as thorough in screening his poultry the turkey would not have exploded like it did in “Christmas Vacation.” One cannot be too cautious these days.
I decided that since the Department of Homeland Security encourages each citizen to be vigilant, I would make my home more secure by imposing the TSA travel standards to my holiday gathering.
Each of the guests at my Thanksgiving potluck dinner was allowed to bring 3.4 ounces of gravy in a sealed container placed in a quart-sized plastic bag. They had to discard the canned cranberries before entering the house due to the prohibition on flammable gels. Since the hand-carried yams resembled grenades, they were x-rayed and later detonated in the microwave.
Guests in my home for the holidays were restricted to one carry-in bag that could be stowed under their seat at the table. Bags were searched thoroughly in a conspicuous place and there was an extra charge for each additional bag brought into the home.
Guests had to remove their shoes, belts, and jackets before passing through my Costco metal detector. No one was “gellin’” in my home over the holiday, as gel shoe inserts are strictly prohibited.
Due to security restrictions, the family all had to
Tags: airport, cranberries, gravy, holiday, holidays, humor, pot luck, satire, screenings, security, terrorist, Thanksgiving, TSA, turkey, yams
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Non-Traditional Holiday Traditions © 2009 Lynn Rebuck
Saturday, December 12th, 2009
I decided that I might not be cut out for traditional Christmas traditions after our collapsing gingerbread house was condemned under a local ordinance. Most families have holiday traditions. Some seek out and saw down the perfect pine tree. I am allergic to evergreens. Many bake batches of Christmas cookies. I am allergic to baking. (more…)
Tags: family, fun, gumdrop, holiday, holidays, humor, motherhood, parenting, popcorn, recipe, teens, traditions
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In Search of the Holy Grill©2009 Lynn Rebuck
Friday, November 6th, 2009
The Memorial Day weekend traditionally kicks off the summer barbecue season, which means I now get to burn dinner outdoors, under the watchful eyes of the neighborhood wildlife, and the native animals.
Given the difficulties I have in grilling, it’s hard to believe that I am descended [...]
Tags: Barbecuing, Children, Cooking, holiday, parenting, Seasons, Summer, teens
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