Posts Tagged ‘Kids’
|Beck the Halls©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
I like Christmas music, but starting in early November it’s omnipresent: it’s in every store, in every elevator, and on every station, including talk radio (I fully expected Glenn to release a “Beck the Halls” Christmas CD).
As I searched the mall for an omnipresent (that’s the one gift that I could purchase in bulk for everyone) recently, I heard blaring from the speaker systems of three different stores an unintended medley of clashing carols: “Silent Rudolph the Red-Nosed Manger.” It was more than my fried-by-“Feliz Navidad” brain could handle.
I sought sanctuary in a nearby synagogue to escape the cacophony of carols. I hummed “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” to soothe and center myself. I don’t mind the holiday music, but it is so pervasive that it is affecting my every thought and intruding into all of my family’s conversations.
The other night I could have sworn that my daughter approached me and told me of her plans to go out with her adolescent friends by saying the phrase “We three teens of orient are….” Maybe I’m just hearing things.
“Do you hear what I hear?” inquired one of my children the night before Christmas.
“Is it the little drummer boy?” I asked.
“No,” he said.
“You know,” I said, “I heard the bells on Christmas Day.”
“That’s nice, Mom.”
“Their old familiar carols play,” I continued, making conversation.
“Mom, you’d better lay off the eggnog.”
“Can I have a friend over?” my son continued, standing next to a kid I hadn’t noticed before.
“What child is this?”
“Chris.”
“Which one is he? The Drummer’s little boy?”
“Funny, Mom. He’s the Taylor’s kid.”
“Joy to the world,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.
“Is that a yes?”
“What’s that smell?” interrupted another child.
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,” I mumbled. “Or it could be dinner.”
“Mom, can I go on a date with Paul?” asked my eldest.
“The little drummer boy?”
“He’s a percussionist in a rock band, Mom. And so what if he’s short, I just won’t wear heels.”
“When will you be back?”
“I’ll be home for Christmas,” she said.
I nodded and reached for more nog.
As she walked out the door, she called over her shoulder “You can count on me.”
“Did the box from Amazon arrive?” asked my son.
“Yes, it came upon a midnight clear.”
“I didn’t know UPS delivered that late.”
“’Tis the season, you know.”
You know, the three wise men were the first midnight madness shoppers, and they didn’t have any criss-crossing carols to contend with.
I am now in a 12 Steps of Christmas Recovery Program. Fa-la-la-la-la, la- la-la-Joy! © 2011 Lynn Rebuck. Follow Lynn on Twitter, fan her on Facebook, and email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com.
Tags: carols, Christmas, dreidel, Hanukkah, holiday, holidays, humor, Kids, Little Drummer boy, motherhood, music, parenting, Seasons, shopping, songs
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Save the Beaches©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Thursday, August 4th, 2011
Each year tons of sand disappears from American beaches. I’m pretty sure my family is responsible for removing most of it. I don’t know about you, but I’m always surprised there is still sand on the beach when we leave.
If you ask me, this family-made erosion is a serious problem that needs to be addressed. The mid-Atlantic coastline is eroding at the rate of one-half meter per year thanks to our kids not knowing how to shake out a beach towel. Am I the only one walking around with a “Save the Beaches” bumper sticker covering my bikini cellulite?
When we’re at the beach, we’re used to having sand everywhere—sand in your sandwich, sand in your sandals, sand in your thousand island dressing. Instead of topping your slice of Mack & Manco’s pizza with parmesan, you top it with the new cheese/sand blend, parmesand. It makes for a crunchy meal, but hey, it’s the shore after all. We just accept that it’s part of the vacation.
But you don’t want the beach to follow you home.
I knew we were in trouble when we stopped at the first rest area on the parkway. When my daughter opened the car door sand poured out of the backseat.
There was so much sand in the car I expected to see Brendan Fraser chasing mummies at any moment.
It turns out that we brought back enough sand to start our own beach.
Don’t get me wrong, I love the sand. And the beach without sand would just be a long wave pool. It wouldn’t be as fun. There’d be no sand castles, no place to bury siblings, and no place to search for buried treasure (I really did bury a chest for my kids to dig up one year, complete with treasure map).
When we got back home I found sand in things that never even got near the beach. How does this happen?
I donated a sand trap to the local golf course. I overfilled the litter box. And I still had sand left over. So I looked into other options.
I learned that there is a process that restores sand to eroded beaches called beach nourishment. According to the an online research database, in the year 2000, Ocean City, New Jersey placed 1,351,000 cubic yards of sand back onto beaches at significant expense to the Federal government. The price tag? $6,943,000.
Are you thinking what I’m thinking? I know how I’m going to earn some extra money this summer. Maybe I’ll earn enough to buy a new swimsuit. One without sand in it, that is.
Lynn Rebuck is a national award-winning humor columnist and speaker whose column appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. She is the proud owner of a collection of Ocean City beach tags. Read her blog at www.LynnRebuck.com her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com, fan her on Facebook and follow her on Twitter. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck.
Tags: Beach, beach nourishment, beach renourishment, erosion, family, fun, humor, Kids, ocean, Ocean City, sand, sand castles, Summer, Vacation
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Longest Day© 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011
As I write this column it is Monday, June 21. According to a post on Facebook, which I confirmed in the finest journalistic fashion by consulting Wikipedia, it is the longest day of the year.
I beg to differ. The longest day of the year is the day after school lets out for summer vacation. It is amazing how much boredom kids can condense into one 24-hour period.
Technically, June 21 is known as the summer solstice, the day when there is the longest amount of daylight. It is the opposite of the December 21 winter solstice, the day when my kids have the most lights turned on throughout the house.
The day after school let out last week was indeed a long one. 
I had used up all the ideas I clipped from parenting magazines and squirreled away for months in anticipation of that fateful day, and it was only 10:30 in the morning. The dog ate the homemade purple play dough, there was glitter everywhere (I am sure I am the first woman to pay bills with sparkly checks), and the kids were using the craft sticks as tongue depressors (one had the other sign a HIPPA form before he could play).
I am convinced that summer is the longest season of the year. Either that or it just seems long. I should have planned ahead. I could have arranged for summer camps, missions trips, or retreats. For me, that is.
Experts say summers are difficult because kids lose their routine. They say that kids need a routine, that it provides them with stability. Actually, I think it’s we parents that need the kids to have the routine. It provides us with sanity.
We need a set time when we don’t have six little eyes following our every move, time when we’re not playing a daylong game of involuntary hide-and-seek, and time when we can be free to go where we need without excuse, explanation, or 30 sticky fingers grabbing stuff in every aisle.
Summer is a time when mothers venture out into the heat in a universal search for sanity, seeking solace, connection, and a place for kids to cool off. Luckily, such sanity can be found locally at community pools, the air-conditioned comfort of a “multi-storied” local library, and a nearby kid-friendly park.
I’ve decided I can’t stay cooped up in the house with the kids all summer. One of us is going to lose our sanity, and I’m pretty sure which one of us it’ll be. If we don’t get out soon, my new routine may include braiding rugs or weaving baskets in a low-stress environment.
It’s time to venture out and explore new frontiers. To boldly go where generations before have gone. Besides, the kids have figured out all of my good hiding places.
Lynn Rebuck writes a nationally award-winning humor column that appears weekly in print and on Amazon Kindle. You’ll be able to spot her at the local pool—she’s the one covered in glitter. You can fan Lynn on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, or email her at her website, www.LynnRebuck.com © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: activities, Children, funny, humor, Kids, last day of school, motherhood, parenting, pool, solstice, Summer, swimming, Time
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“The Longest Day?”by Lynn Rebuck© 2010
Thursday, June 24th, 2010
As I write this column it is Monday, June 21. According to a post on Facebook, which I confirmed in the finest journalistic fashion by consulting Wikipedia, it is the longest day of the year.
I beg to differ. The longest day of the year is the day after school lets out for summer vacation. It is amazing how much boredom kids can condense into one 24-hour period.
Technically, June 21 is known as the summer solstice, the day when there is the longest amount of daylight. It is the opposite of the December 21 winter solstice, the day when my kids have the most lights turned on throughout the house.
The day after school let out last week was indeed a long one. (more…)
Tags: Children, coping, funny, humor, Kids, longest day, motherhood, parenting, parents, School, solstice, Summer, summer solstice, Summer vacation, Vacation, vacations
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Talking with High-Tech Teens ©2010 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, March 24th, 2010
Anyone who has raised teens or been around a teen for more than a few minutes knows this universal truth—teens truly speak a different language. And today it’s harder than ever to get their attention.
How do you communicate with a kid who is simultaneously text messaging on a cellphone, playing Guitar Hero, and battling on World of Warcraft?
Teens today are (more…)
Tags: Communication, Facebook, funny, humor, Internet, Kids, motherhood, parenting, Social Networking, teens, Twitter
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Motherhood is a Dirty Job!©2010 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, March 17th, 2010
Last week in my column I challenged Discovery Channel’s “Dirty Jobs” host Mike Rowe to tackle the dirty job of being a mother (see “Dirty Jobs, Ha!” below). I haven’t heard back from him yet, but I have been checking out some of his episode descriptions on the “Dirty Jobs” Discovery Channel website and let me tell you, so far I’m not impressed. His jobs don’t seem all that tough, or dirty.
For instance: “Mike ventures out to discover what it takes to breed and train sled dogs at the Happy Trails Kennels in Big Lake, Alaska.” Wow, Mike, “ruff” job? Try this.
“Lynn tries to potty-train a puppy and a toddler at the same time, only to discover she set the child out front and re-Pampered the puppy.”
Or consider another (more…)
Tags: Children, Column, Dirty Job, Discovery Channel, funny, humor, Job, Kids, Mike Rowe, Mom, motherhood, parenting, Television
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Dirty Jobs, Ha! © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Saturday, March 13th, 2010
I don’t know what the big deal is about Mike Rowe, the host of The Discovery Channel’s show “Dirty Jobs.” A man goes around doing disgusting jobs and they give him and Emmy nomination. A woman does the same and she’s lucky if she gets a Mother’s Day card.
Let’s face it, for years we women have been doing unthinkable and thankless jobs without any fan mail and without the backing of a big-time budget of a cable TV show. On his website, Rowe solicits suggestions for dirty jobs that he can undertake on camera. Mike, here’s my suggestion: try being a mother.
Mothers learn early that (more…)
Tags: Dirty Jobs, funny, humor, Jobs, Kids, Mike Rowe, Mother's Day, motherhood, Mothers, parenting
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Operation Mommy Freedom ©2009 Lynn Rebuck
Friday, November 6th, 2009
It’s an emotional time of the year for mothers. The same women who gathered nine months ago outside the elementary schools and waved tearful good-byes to their little ones as they headed into school now stand arm-in-arm for support, bite their lips, and hold back tears for a different reason: the last day of school.
Mothers who not long ago wondered how their little one would cope with the separation anxiety are now curious as to how they themselves will survive the attachment anxiety.
There’s nothing quite as frustrating as (more…)
Tags: Children, funny, humor, Kids, Life transitions, mother, motherhood, parenting, School, Seasons, Summer vacation, swimming, Transitions, Vacation
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