Posts Tagged ‘motherhood’
« Older Entries |Beck the Halls©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
I like Christmas music, but starting in early November it’s omnipresent: it’s in every store, in every elevator, and on every station, including talk radio (I fully expected Glenn to release a “Beck the Halls” Christmas CD).
As I searched the mall for an omnipresent (that’s the one gift that I could purchase in bulk for everyone) recently, I heard blaring from the speaker systems of three different stores an unintended medley of clashing carols: “Silent Rudolph the Red-Nosed Manger.” It was more than my fried-by-“Feliz Navidad” brain could handle.
I sought sanctuary in a nearby synagogue to escape the cacophony of carols. I hummed “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” to soothe and center myself. I don’t mind the holiday music, but it is so pervasive that it is affecting my every thought and intruding into all of my family’s conversations.
The other night I could have sworn that my daughter approached me and told me of her plans to go out with her adolescent friends by saying the phrase “We three teens of orient are….” Maybe I’m just hearing things.
“Do you hear what I hear?” inquired one of my children the night before Christmas.
“Is it the little drummer boy?” I asked.
“No,” he said.
“You know,” I said, “I heard the bells on Christmas Day.”
“That’s nice, Mom.”
“Their old familiar carols play,” I continued, making conversation.
“Mom, you’d better lay off the eggnog.”
“Can I have a friend over?” my son continued, standing next to a kid I hadn’t noticed before.
“What child is this?”
“Chris.”
“Which one is he? The Drummer’s little boy?”
“Funny, Mom. He’s the Taylor’s kid.”
“Joy to the world,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.
“Is that a yes?”
“What’s that smell?” interrupted another child.
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,” I mumbled. “Or it could be dinner.”
“Mom, can I go on a date with Paul?” asked my eldest.
“The little drummer boy?”
“He’s a percussionist in a rock band, Mom. And so what if he’s short, I just won’t wear heels.”
“When will you be back?”
“I’ll be home for Christmas,” she said.
I nodded and reached for more nog.
As she walked out the door, she called over her shoulder “You can count on me.”
“Did the box from Amazon arrive?” asked my son.
“Yes, it came upon a midnight clear.”
“I didn’t know UPS delivered that late.”
“’Tis the season, you know.”
You know, the three wise men were the first midnight madness shoppers, and they didn’t have any criss-crossing carols to contend with.
I am now in a 12 Steps of Christmas Recovery Program. Fa-la-la-la-la, la- la-la-Joy! © 2011 Lynn Rebuck. Follow Lynn on Twitter, fan her on Facebook, and email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com.
Tags: carols, Christmas, dreidel, Hanukkah, holiday, holidays, humor, Kids, Little Drummer boy, motherhood, music, parenting, Seasons, shopping, songs
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Moms & Dads, Start Your Engines!©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Thursday, September 15th, 2011
Each weekday afternoon, just prior to dismissal, the semi-circle driveway of my daughter’s school resembles the beginning of a great automobile race: The Elementary 500. Cars coast into starting positions, crowded bumper to bumper on the asphalt track of scholastic speedway. Some arrive as much as an hour early in an attempt to get the flagpole position. Eventually the bell rings, someone waves a green backpack, the engines rev, and the race begins!
Every morning when I arrive at the school it appears the race is already in progress. Cars whip into the lot, slow down momentarily to catapult children towards their classrooms, and re-enter the race. I’m convinced that I saw Jeff Gordon dropping off his daughter. He was the only one with a pit crew.
It didn’t take me long to realize that I needed to enroll at the famous Bondurant School of Race Car Driving just to keep up with the other drivers. I’m hoping that they offer practical classes for parents like “Weaving Between Cars, Vans, and Busses while giving a Bottle to a Baby in the Car Seat in the Back,” “How to Park in a Red Zone and Make It Appear You Are Still Moving,” and “Quadruple Parking: How, When, and Why.”
Maybe the school of driving has courses like “When Your Carpool Drives You Crazy,” or “Meditation near the Median: Dropping Your Stress While Picking Up Your Kids,” or “Yoga for Yugo Drivers.” After a few unsuccessful trips through the lot (it was about 33 laps before I could actually pick up my child), I got smart.
I borrowed a workman’s jumpsuit and my daughter’s bicycle helmet. In the style of all great racers, I put large stickers on the helmet and patches on the jumpsuit. Extra Strength Tylenol. Huggies Diapers. Kraft Miracle Whip. NASCAR had nothing over me, except for wealthy corporate sponsors paying a large fee for high-speed advertising, great publicity, and a huge, loyal following. Still, I decided I’d give it my best shot. Early the next morning I donned the jumpsuit and strapped on the helmet.
With paint still dripping down the sides of my minivan from the red number 7’s I painted on each door, I climbed in behind the wheel. I revved my engine and squealed the tires. Then I remembered to put the garage door up. As I drove I felt the adrenaline pumping through my veins. When we turned onto the street the school was on, I noticed fewer cars on the road.
As we were about to arrive, my daughter reached into her backpack then handed me a crumpled piece of pink paper with the school letterhead at the top. I glanced at it as I pulled into the deserted elementary driveway.
After a moment, I rolled down my window, unsnapped my helmet, and screamed at the eagle atop the empty flagpole, “What do you mean there’s no school today!” Only one question crossed my mind: How many more laps before summer vacation?
Lynn Rebuck races around writing a nationally award-winning humor column that appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. You can email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: Back to School, Bondurant, carpool, driving, elementary, funny, humor, Jeff Gordon, motherhood, parenting, racing, School
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Mom’s Back to School Homework ©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tuesday, September 6th, 2011
I hate the first day of school. I always end up with more homework than the kids. There is always a sizeable stack of forms for me to review, complete, and sign. There used to be fewer, less complicated forms when children started back to school. Now I need a paralegal to help me.
First I encounter numerous classroom contracts which my son and I need to sign in triplicate. Some need to be notarized. We must stipulate to standards for classroom behavior, attendance, and homework completion. I am sending my son to school this year with counteroffers.
Next I must complete the 
registration card requiring emergency contact information. Designating someone to pick up your child when he or she becomes feverishly ill is always a tricky decision. It’s tough to get someone to commit for a second year of service once they’ve had to clean your child’s morning meal out of their minivan.
There is also the fairness and reciprocity rule to consider. If the individual you previously listed had to pick up your child multiple times, while her remarkably healthy children didn’t need you to come to the rescue the entire school year (they didn’t even have cavities), it would be inappropriate to ask her to commit to another year on-call.
Next in the stack is a media consent form that asks whether I authorize my son’s image to be photographed, his name to be published on the Internet or in the news media, and for him to be interviewed by Anderson Cooper. Hmmm, I’m going to have to consult my son’s talent agent and publicist before I respond to that one.
By the time I get to the “radiological emergency” card I am overwhelmed with anxiety and ready to home school him. Since we live within a ten mile radius of a nuclear power plant, I must decide whether to authorize school personnel to give him an emergency dose of potassium iodide in the event of a nuclear emergency.
A more ominous card has evolved from the emergency contact card: the “catastropic emergency” form. In the event of a total meltdown, no wait, that would fall under the nuclear emergency card…umm, in the event of a complete catastrophe, who do I want to pick up my child? My first choice would be the First Lady. Michelle Obama can pick him up with Air Force One. I hope she doesn’t mind. I’d be happy to reciprocate.
By the time I finished all of the forms I suffered from severe writer’s cramp, had multiple paper cuts, and my signature had degraded into a series of illegible curves and squiggles.
But if a school district photographer ever snaps a photo of my son as Michelle Obama rushes him onto Air Force One following a catastrophic “nucular” chain reaction right after school personnel administer iodide to him in the wake of an incident at a nuclear reactor, district officials need not worry. I signed the forms.
Lynn Rebuck is a national award-winning humor columnist, counselor, and speaker. She is currently looking for loopholes in the library book return policy. Fan her on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, and email her at Lynn@lynnrebuck.com. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: Air Force One, Back to School, Children, homework, humor, Michelle Obama, mother, motherhood, parenting, School, september
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Longest Day© 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, June 22nd, 2011
As I write this column it is Monday, June 21. According to a post on Facebook, which I confirmed in the finest journalistic fashion by consulting Wikipedia, it is the longest day of the year.
I beg to differ. The longest day of the year is the day after school lets out for summer vacation. It is amazing how much boredom kids can condense into one 24-hour period.
Technically, June 21 is known as the summer solstice, the day when there is the longest amount of daylight. It is the opposite of the December 21 winter solstice, the day when my kids have the most lights turned on throughout the house.
The day after school let out last week was indeed a long one. I had used up all the ideas I clipped from parenting magazines and squirreled away for months in anticipation of that fateful day, and it was only 10:30 in the morning. The dog ate the homemade purple play dough, there was glitter everywhere (I am sure I am the first woman to pay bills with sparkly checks), and the kids were using the craft sticks as tongue depressors (one had the other sign a HIPPA form before he could play).
I am convinced that summer is the longest season of the year. Either that or it just seems long. I should have planned ahead. I could have arranged for summer camps, missions trips, or retreats. For me, that is.
Experts say summers are difficult because kids lose their routine. They say that kids need a routine, that it provides them with stability. Actually, I think it’s we parents that need the kids to have the routine. It provides us with sanity.
We need a set time when we don’t have six little eyes following our every move, time when we’re not playing a daylong game of involuntary hide-and-seek, and time when we can be free to go where we need without excuse, explanation, or 30 sticky fingers grabbing stuff in every aisle.
Summer is a time when mothers venture out into the heat in a universal search for sanity, seeking solace, connection, and a place for kids to cool off. Luckily, such sanity can be found locally at community pools, the air-conditioned comfort of a “multi-storied” local library, and a nearby kid-friendly park.
I’ve decided I can’t stay cooped up in the house with the kids all summer. One of us is going to lose our sanity, and I’m pretty sure which one of us it’ll be. If we don’t get out soon, my new routine may include braiding rugs or weaving baskets in a low-stress environment.
It’s time to venture out and explore new frontiers. To boldly go where generations before have gone. Besides, the kids have figured out all of my good hiding places.
Lynn Rebuck writes a nationally award-winning humor column that appears weekly in print and on Amazon Kindle. You’ll be able to spot her at the local pool—she’s the one covered in glitter. You can fan Lynn on Facebook, follow her on Twitter, or email her at her website, www.LynnRebuck.com © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: activities, Children, funny, humor, Kids, last day of school, motherhood, parenting, pool, solstice, Summer, swimming, Time
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Mother, Stay Calm© 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Saturday, May 14th, 2011
Mother’s Day is simply not long enough. Mardi Gras lasts for at least three days. The entire month of May is dedicated to hamburger. What are we mothers, chopped liver? Mothers deserve at least a fortnight celebration, however long that is.
Christopher Columbus gets a whole day devoted to him. All he did was discover the New World. He never had to tend to a colicky baby in the middle of the night. He never had to shop for a prom dress with an indecisive teen. And he never had to chaperone a field trip of unruly third graders. His overseas voyages pale in comparison to the experience I had leading my last motley crew. Try finding a new route to the bathroom every few minutes in a crowded theme park with a kid who “really has to go.”
Abe Lincoln gets a whole day. Well, four score and seven years ago (give or take a few scores) I brought forth on this continent three new babies, conceived in liberty and dedicated to the proposition that I do not treat any of them equally. What did Lincoln do to deserve an entire day? Oh sure, ending the Civil War was a big deal and preserving the unity of our country was important, but mothers end wars and preserve unity on a daily basis. We perform hostage negotiations, infiltrate dangerous territory (teen bedrooms, need I say more?) and we are diplomats in every sense of the word.
What mother hasn’t encountered a scene like this:
“Let go of your brother.”
“No. He started it.”
“Let go of him this instant.”
“Tell me what happened.”
“Nothing.”
“Why is his hair shorter on one side in the back?”
“No reason.”
“Did you cut his hair?”
“No, the scissors did.”
Or how about this typical scene between a teen and his mother:
“How long has this plate of food been under your bed?”
“I don’t know.”
“Did you think about throwing it away?
“I’m not done with it yet.”
“What do you mean you’re not done with it? I can’t even recognize what meal it was.”
“It’s a science project now. I’m getting extra credit for seeing how much mold and bacteria I can grow on it.”
“It looks like you have a matching set of petri dishes under here. Are those to boost your grade as well, Louis Pasteur?”
I believe that a holiday to honor mothers needs to be longer in duration for one simple reason: it is not easy for us to transition out of mothering mode. Motherhood is stressful, and we must be constantly vigilant. There has been an elevated threat level in my home since the day my first child was born. It takes mothers at least a day to start to let go of the constant responsibility of mothering. We are just starting to unwind when it abruptly ends. That’s why we need another day or two tagged onto the end of the festivities.
I began writing this column using speech-activated technology on my cell phone. I speak, and the word processor types what I said, or rather what it thinks I said. As I dictated the temporary title of the piece, “Mother’s Day Column,” the well-meaning application typed out “Mother Stay Calm.” It is a fitting headline and the theme of motherhood if ever there were one.
Mothers, stay calm. And have a Happy Mother’s Year.
Lynn Rebuck is a nationally award-winning humor columnist, speaker, and comedian. Her column appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. Follow her on Twitter, fan her on Facebook, and visit her website, www.LynnRebuck.com, where you can email her about your Mother’s Day experience. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: Columbus, Columbus Day, funny, holidays, humor, Lincoln, May, mother, Mother's Day, motherhood, parenting, President's Day
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Sad State of TV Sitcoms© 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Monday, April 25th, 2011
This past Saturday I had the privilege of addressing a group of parents at a church about youth, media, and technology. As a former television producer, media researcher, and mother of three, it is a subject about which I am very passionate. Some would call me rabid. Those would be my children.
Not only did I address pressing issues about social media, cell phones, safeguarding families, and music (don’t even get me started on Lady Gaga), but I talked about television. Frankly, there are things that TV producers don’t want you to know.
Consider this statistic: according to a 2005 study, an overwhelming majority of television shows contain sexual references, and situation comedies appear at the top of the list with 87 percent containing sexual content. The sitcoms show scenes of sexual content at an average rate of almost 9 scenes per hour. That was six years ago; the trend has only worsened, IMHO (that’s text-speak for “In My Humble Opinion” for those parents who have yet to attend one of my seminars).
Clearly, what’s happening to sitcoms isn’t funny.
The terrain of television is vastly different than years ago. We have gone from one deserted island (Gilligan’s)to another (Lost). Ozzie and Harriet were replaced by Ozzie and Sharon. Television is now about “Leave it to Cleavage.” What would June and Ward think?
In all honesty maybe we should reframe how we look at the above statistic and at television in general. Perhaps researchers should state how many of the sex shows on television contain humorous references. It’s time we wake up to what is really happening right in front of us, in living color, and in many homes, on very large screens . Things that were considered pornographic not long ago make up the mainstay of broadcast television and commercials. The CBS eye is looking the other way and the NBC peacock is burying its head in the sand.
The Parent Television Council is an organization that cares about what kids are seeing on television. They evaluate shows for content including sex and violence. The PTC provides a color-coded, easy-to-read weekly guide to television shows that evaluates shows based on content. For the week of April 7-14, there was only one network sitcom that made their list of “best picks” for family viewing: ABC’s “The Middle.”
While the scarcity of family-friendly fare came as no surprise, the fact that there is only one network program deemed worthy of watching should be a point of shame for television producers and network executives.
I have been a fan of “The Middle” since last year, when it began its first season. The show airs on Wednesday evenings at 8 p.m. on ABC. It appeals to my warped sense of parental humor which you likely share if you enjoy reading my column. It’s real life, and it’s funny. Check it out and let me know what you think. I’ll share my thoughts on the show next week.
Lynn Rebuck is a nationally award-winning former television producer, journalist, and speaker who is passionate about helping parents navigate the issues of media and technology with their teens and tweens. To contact Lynn about speaking to your church or community group about these or other issues, email her at LynnRebuck@gmail.com. For more information about Lynn and to read her blog, go to www.LynnRebuck.com. © 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: ABC, Entertainment, media, motherhood, NBC, Neil Flynn, parenting, Patricia Heaton, sex, sitcoms, teens, Television, The Middle
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Teen Help Desk © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Sunday, October 24th, 2010
In the old days, we used to pay kids to mow the lawn or shovel snow. Now I pay them to help me with my electronics.
“Can you help me program my remote?” I asked a kid on my street one day. “I’ve been watching the same channel for a year. I hear from the neighbors that we actually get several hundred of them. And while you’re here, can you adjust the time on my digital watch and open some childproof lids for me?”
Kids used to set up lemonade stands to make money during the summer. Now they’re setting up neighborhood computer help desks and making a killing. We technologically-challenged baby boomers have come crawling on our knees to the rising generation, or as I like to call them, God’s newest release.
When it comes to electronics, if you want it done right, ask a teenager. I have seen them navigate menus, scroll through screens, and deftly touch, point, and click with the precision of a skilled surgeon.
I, on the other hand, can barely manage to make a call on my cell phone. When others ask me what features my phone has, I tell them (more…)
Tags: Cell Phones, Computers, Customer Service, Digital, Electronics, Fatherhood, funny, Help Desk, humor, motherhood, parenting, Technology, teens
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“The Font of Youth” © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, September 29th, 2010
Last week a 13-year old girl won $50,000 in a national texting championship in New York City. To win the top prize she tapped out a verse of “Old MacDonald” on her cell phone in only sixty seconds besting several other teen girls in the competition. I’m guessing that the next thing she did was text her friends to tell them she won. How difficult is it to type “E-I-E-I-O” over and over? Thanks to having keys tinier than Tic Tacs on my cell phone I unintentionally tap out those lyrics every time I send a text message.
Like it or not, texting is increasingly becoming the preferred method of communication for teens. We parents were encouraged as youth to let our fingers do the walking. With an estimated 20,000 text messages being sent per second by kids under age 18, our offspring’s fingers are clearly doing the talking.
I have a phone with a QWERTY keyboard, which is the traditional set-up with individual keys positioned as they are on a computer keyboard. It helps somewhat. I think I am the only person that texts with a lisp. I still make lots of mistexts.
Since text messaging condenses words, omits most vowels, and uses unique shorthand, it can be difficult to decipher. What we need is a Rosetta stone for text messages. For instance, see if you can figure out this well-known message:“4 scr & 7 yrs a/g, r dads brot 4th on dis cntnt nu ntn.” Do you recognize it as
Tags: cell phone, Communication, funny, humor, motherhood, parenting, Technology, teens, text messaging, texting
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Welcome Back to School, Please Sign Here © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Monday, September 13th, 2010
As a mom, I always dread the ton of homework that I get assigned on the first day of school. There is always a sizeable stack of forms for me to review, complete, and sign. There used to be fewer, less complicated forms when kids started back to school. Now I need a paralegal to help me fill them all out.
First I encounter numerous classroom contracts which my son and I need to sign in triplicate. Some need to be notarized. We must stipulate to standards for classroom behavior, attendance, and homework completion. I am sending my son to school this year with counteroffers.
Next I must complete the (more…)
Tags: Back to School, classroom, Emergency Contact, forms, funny, humor, motherhood, parenting, School, teachers
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“The Longest Day?”by Lynn Rebuck© 2010
Thursday, June 24th, 2010
As I write this column it is Monday, June 21. According to a post on Facebook, which I confirmed in the finest journalistic fashion by consulting Wikipedia, it is the longest day of the year.
I beg to differ. The longest day of the year is the day after school lets out for summer vacation. It is amazing how much boredom kids can condense into one 24-hour period.
Technically, June 21 is known as the summer solstice, the day when there is the longest amount of daylight. It is the opposite of the December 21 winter solstice, the day when my kids have the most lights turned on throughout the house.
The day after school let out last week was indeed a long one. (more…)
Tags: Children, coping, funny, humor, Kids, longest day, motherhood, parenting, parents, School, solstice, Summer, summer solstice, Summer vacation, Vacation, vacations
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