The Wiz that Was©2011 Lynn Rebuck

Saturday, July 23rd, 2011

Friday night I went to the movies to watch Harry Potter 7.2, the latest and final release in the box office film franchise that has magically been able to open the wallets of millions of muggles.

After feeling mugged by the teenage concessionaire at the local cinema, where I shelled out big bucks for a box of Reese’s peanut-flavored corn syrup pieces, a large cup of carbonated corn syrup, and $10 for a movie ticket, I went to find a seat.  I had hoped to see the 3-D IMAX version of the film, but it was sold out.  Left to choose between the regular 3-D and the 2-D version, I opted for the one that was going to be least realistic.  This would, of course, enhance the fantasy element of the film.

I had no idea what evil lurked in the theater, and I’m not referring to He-Who’s-Name-Cannot-Be-Reprinted-without-Paying-Royalties.

In the restroom I discovered that an evil spell had been cast on everything mechanical.  I waved my wet hands at the paper towel dispenser and nothing happened.  Apparently I needed to wave a magic wand and repeat some Latin incantation like, “towelus producis,” which, oddly enough, worked when I waved my straw at the machine (the straw chooses the slurper, according to Potter’s mentors). The woman next to me encountered an uncooperative soap dispenser, which responded to a flick of my wrist and the directive, “soapus latheris slatheris,” which caused all of the dispensers to squirt in unison.

For those of you who did not make it to any dimension of theater yet to see the film, I’ll summarize it for you here (spoiler alert!). Luke, Leia, and Han Solo cannot return to Hogwarts because it has been taken over by the evil Darth Voldemort.  Snape cut a deal with the creature whose nose job was done by the same doctor who did Michael Jackson’s plastic surgery so that the City in the Clouds would never come under Imperial Rule. 

Unfortunately He-Whose-Name-Must-Not-Be-Mispronounced did not count on how surly a bunch of boarding school students become after seven and one-half films without a lot of speaking parts. The kids revolt against the evil lord and bravely fight to protect Potter, quidditch (which is a type of quiche made from squid), and to stop all those pesky owls from flying over the lunch tables.

 In an epic battle that rivals a double trilogy and a half of Star Wars, the battle between the forces of good and evil culminates with a furious clash of light from dual-color dueling wands reminiscent of another film that did well at the box office, When Harry Met Sally.  Obiwan/Gandalf/Dumbledore says off camera “Use the force, Luke,” and Princess Leia kisses Hagrid.

The scariest scene of the film came at the very end when the demented director shows us the effects of 19 years of married life on Harry Potter without He-Who-Kept-the-Young Wizard-In-Shape around.

It was shocking, but it would have been far scarier in 3-D.

Lynn Rebuck is a national award-winning humor columnist whose column appears weekly in the print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs.  She is currently writing the fourth book in a trilogy. Email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com, read her blog on www.LynnRebuck.com, follow her on Twitter, and fan her on Facebook.  ©2011 Lynn Rebuck

Tags: 3-D, comedy, Deathly Hallows, Entertainment, film, films, funny, Harry Potter, humor, Michael Jackson, movies, Parody, Star Wars
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