Posts Tagged ‘satire’
|Keep on Pluckin’ © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Friday, December 17th, 2010
I have been molting all winter.
For months now people have been treating me like a Perdue chicken by plucking feathers off of me wherever I go. It’s the fault of my leaky down-filled coat. I don my down in mid-September, and remove it in early June. This winter, though, the down is trying to make an early escape.
Apparently there is a technique to prevent the sneaky feathers from abandoning the coat. My friends told me to put the coat in the dryer with three tennis balls. They never told me to first take the balls out of the can.
The feathers have caused me some embarrassment. Like when I spoke before a group of Christian writers. Afterward I learned that a large feather had been protruding from a prominent place on my chest the entire time. I had checked my hair and lipstick in the mirror prior to speaking; I had failed to thoroughly preen myself.
At church on Sunday I removed my coat only to find I had spontaneously sprouted wings. I was quickly recruited to portray an angel in the next dramatic presentation.
In the Bible it is promised in Isaiah 40 that, “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles.” I just never expected it to happen so suddenly.
Monday I went grocery shopping. I took off my coat and placed it in the cart only to discover that (more…)
Tags: clothing, cold, down, feathers, freezing, funny, humor, satire, Seasons, Snow, snowstorm, Weather, Winter, winter weather
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A TSA Thanksgiving© 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, December 1st, 2010
Thanksgiving went very well thanks to my vigilance. I made sure Tom Turkey received a full body scan at the grocery checkout, patted him down at home, and did a cavity search to make sure he wasn’t concealing any C-4 explosives. I discovered only a slimy gizzard, a displaced liver, and a scrawny neck. It’s a tough job, but someone has to do it. It’s possible that the “free range” where Tom Turkey came from may have been a terrorist training camp.
I’m fairly certain that had Chevy Chase been as thorough in screening his poultry the turkey would not have exploded like it did in “Christmas Vacation.” One cannot be too cautious these days.
I decided that since the Department of Homeland Security encourages each citizen to be vigilant, I would make my home more secure by imposing the TSA travel standards to my holiday gathering.
Each of the guests at my Thanksgiving potluck dinner was allowed to bring 3.4 ounces of gravy in a sealed container placed in a quart-sized plastic bag. They had to discard the canned cranberries before entering the house due to the prohibition on flammable gels. Since the hand-carried yams resembled grenades, they were x-rayed and later detonated in the microwave.
Guests in my home for the holidays were restricted to one carry-in bag that could be stowed under their seat at the table. Bags were searched thoroughly in a conspicuous place and there was an extra charge for each additional bag brought into the home.
Guests had to remove their shoes, belts, and jackets before passing through my Costco metal detector. No one was “gellin’” in my home over the holiday, as gel shoe inserts are strictly prohibited.
Due to security restrictions, the family all had to
Tags: airport, cranberries, gravy, holiday, holidays, humor, pot luck, satire, screenings, security, terrorist, Thanksgiving, TSA, turkey, yams
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Insecurity Screenings©2010 Lynn Rebuck
Friday, November 26th, 2010
A lot of people are up in arms about the new TSA airport security screening procedures, including me. When I lifted my hands above my head to enter the scanning device my upper arm flab declared a jihad. I almost accidentally decked a TSA agent.
It seems that the most of those flying on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving opted out of Opt-Out Day, the day designated for a protest of new invasive screening policies. Travelers had been encouraged to avoid the revealing full body scans and to instead subject themselves to time-consuming pat downs.
The vast majority of passengers who traveled didn’t want to risk the chance of missing a turkey dinner by ticking off an agent and opted out of having someone pat down their giblets.
What passengers are failing to realize is that the new airport security screenings are actually part of Obama’s healthcare plan. That’s right. On Wednesday over 1.6 million traveling Americans were the beneficiaries of a trendsetting new combined health/security screening.
The mainstream media is too busy reporting on the few who object to the screenings and is missing the larger story (more…)
Tags: airport, body scan, funny, humor, opt-out, Parody, pat-down, satire, screenings, search, security, Thanksgiving, Travel, TSA, turkey
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