Posts Tagged ‘Seasons’
« Older Entries |The Right to Assemble
Friday, December 23rd, 2011
Assembling toys is the nightmare before Christmas. Where’s an elf when you really need one? I am surrounded by parts, pieces, and instructions in several languages. I could care less about a jolly old guy in a red suit coming down the chimney. I’d like to have a handyman in overalls who speaks fluent instructionese show up at my door.
What’s so hard about turning a few pieces into a finished product? Well, let’s just say the cam bolts aren’t cooperating, the pre-drilled holes were not pre-drilled, and the instructions were translated into English by someone in a foreign country who has a sense of humor and a sadistic side. At times like this I do not enjoy my Constitutional right to assemble.
I got halfway through the project when I realized two of the parts were on backwards. This is not a good thing, especially if you are putting together a bike. This kind of creativity can get you in trouble on Christmas morning. So I not only enjoyed the experience of assembling the gift, but disassembling and reassembling it as well.
It has become my Christmas tradition in this column to parody a well-known Christmas song as my gift to you, my devoted readers. This year I put together some lyrics for you to sing as you attempt to assemble items over the next few days. See my next post for the lyrics and sing along! Merry Christmas!
Lynn Rebuck is an award-winning humor columnist, speaker, and holiday lyricist. Her column appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle Blogs. Email Lynn your favorite funny assembly story at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com. (c) 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: 12 Days of Christmas, assembly, Christmas, fun, holiday, humor, parents, Parody, Seasons, toy
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Beck the Halls©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, December 7th, 2011
I like Christmas music, but starting in early November it’s omnipresent: it’s in every store, in every elevator, and on every station, including talk radio (I fully expected Glenn to release a “Beck the Halls” Christmas CD).
As I searched the mall for an omnipresent (that’s the one gift that I could purchase in bulk for everyone) recently, I heard blaring from the speaker systems of three different stores an unintended medley of clashing carols: “Silent Rudolph the Red-Nosed Manger.” It was more than my fried-by-“Feliz Navidad” brain could handle.
I sought sanctuary in a nearby synagogue to escape the cacophony of carols. I hummed “Dreidel, Dreidel, Dreidel” to soothe and center myself. I don’t mind the holiday music, but it is so pervasive that it is affecting my every thought and intruding into all of my family’s conversations.
The other night I could have sworn that my daughter approached me and told me of her plans to go out with her adolescent friends by saying the phrase “We three teens of orient are….” Maybe I’m just hearing things.
“Do you hear what I hear?” inquired one of my children the night before Christmas.
“Is it the little drummer boy?” I asked.
“No,” he said.
“You know,” I said, “I heard the bells on Christmas Day.”
“That’s nice, Mom.”
“Their old familiar carols play,” I continued, making conversation.
“Mom, you’d better lay off the eggnog.”
“Can I have a friend over?” my son continued, standing next to a kid I hadn’t noticed before.
“What child is this?”
“Chris.”
“Which one is he? The Drummer’s little boy?”
“Funny, Mom. He’s the Taylor’s kid.”
“Joy to the world,” I said, shrugging my shoulders.
“Is that a yes?”
“What’s that smell?” interrupted another child.
“Chestnuts roasting on an open fire,” I mumbled. “Or it could be dinner.”
“Mom, can I go on a date with Paul?” asked my eldest.
“The little drummer boy?”
“He’s a percussionist in a rock band, Mom. And so what if he’s short, I just won’t wear heels.”
“When will you be back?”
“I’ll be home for Christmas,” she said.
I nodded and reached for more nog.
As she walked out the door, she called over her shoulder “You can count on me.”
“Did the box from Amazon arrive?” asked my son.
“Yes, it came upon a midnight clear.”
“I didn’t know UPS delivered that late.”
“’Tis the season, you know.”
You know, the three wise men were the first midnight madness shoppers, and they didn’t have any criss-crossing carols to contend with.
I am now in a 12 Steps of Christmas Recovery Program. Fa-la-la-la-la, la- la-la-Joy! © 2011 Lynn Rebuck. Follow Lynn on Twitter, fan her on Facebook, and email her at Lynn@LynnRebuck.com.
Tags: carols, Christmas, dreidel, Hanukkah, holiday, holidays, humor, Kids, Little Drummer boy, motherhood, music, parenting, Seasons, shopping, songs
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Fall Back, Spring for Words©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Thursday, October 27th, 2011
Some people adjust quickly to the switch to Daylight Saving Time. It usually takes me six months . My body resists the sudden shift. The name even confuses me. How does daylight save time? Is it time for us to contribute to our savings? In other countries, they simply call it “Summer Time.” Go figure.
While most people are aware that the whole concept that daylight could be saved was invented by that irrepressible inventor, Benjamin Franklin, many are unaware that he conceived of the idea after pulling a candle-lit almost-all-nighter in France.
Mr. “a penny saved is a penny earned” Franklin finally crashed at 3 or 4 a.m. after being totally amazed by a new invention being demonstrated on QVC called the “oil lamp”. At 6 a.m. he was so startled by the sunlight streaming into his room that he reasoned, in the midst of his sleep deprivation, that a drop of wax saved is a drop of waxed earned.
Interestingly enough (or not, you decide), Franklin first proposed his radical idea in a letter to the editor. He reasoned that tons of wax and livre (which is books, money, or chopped liver according to my very vague French dictionary) could be saved if the Laissez-faire French would stop sleeping until noon.
He humorously suggested that a cannon be set off on the streets each morning to jolt people to wakefulness. Not a bad idea, especially for today’s hard-to-wake teens. He also suggested a financial penalty for homeowners whose residences had shutters to keep the sunlight out. Today that would be the equivalent of a Levelor levy.
But the time-change concept didn’t go straight from Franklin’s quill to instantaneous world-wide acceptance. People were amused but resistant. In 1907, William Willet, an English builder and the first one with a “Save the Daylight” bumper sticker, proposed the time change but with a more humane transition than the sudden one-hour shift: on each of four consecutive Sundays in April, at 2 a.m., set the clock forward a mere twenty minutes and back in like fashion in the fall.
He was ahead of his time. About twenty minutes ahead. The idea was mocked, dismissed, and eventually passed by legislators. Those time lobbyists were very persuasive.
People used to rely on local time from a town clock like we rely today on the time from our infallible computer screens (mine is still set on Pacific Time).
In the United States the entity that actually drove hardest for the standardization of time was the transportation industry. That was so that in the future airline passengers would eventually know just how late their flights were. To get from one location to another back then often required stopping at more locations with different times than flying on Southwest does today.
Times have certainly changed since Franklin and Willet. We now efficiently light our homes in the evenings with energy-saving 40-inch HD screens tuned to QVC, where tonight they are demonstrating lava lamps. I’ll probably be awake until 3 or 4 a.m.
Lynn Rebuck claims the deadline for this column was 2 p.m. Pacific Time. Email Lynn@LynnRebuck.com (c) 2011 Lynn Rebuck
Tags: Benjamin Franklin, comedy, Daylight Saving Time, Daylight Savings Time, humor, QVC, Seasons, time change
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The Bathing Suit Workout©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, June 1st, 2011
Memorial Day weekend marks the official opening of the summer swimming season, as most public pools choose the holiday weekend to open each year.
It also marks the beginning of swimsuit season, or as I refer to it, stretch mark season. It’s the time of the year when I reveal to the world the lines crisscrossing my body like lines of latitude and longitude. I am in the prime meridian of my life.
I pulled last year’s suit out of my drawer to discover an interesting phenomenon: spandex shrinks in cold winter weather, making it more difficult to don the suit than it was the last time I wore it. I have learned that the word “Speedo” does not refer to how fast a woman can put on a swimsuit.
I have been known to 
take up to a month to get into my bathing suit. I usually start after all danger of frost has passed. If I’m lucky, I am ready by Memorial Day weekend. This year I knew I was in trouble when the suit got as far as my calf before cutting off circulation.
Rather than waste the entire summer trying to get my suit on, I decided to buy a new one. I headed to Costco, which doesn’t seem to have a fitting room, where I found a one-piece suit that had crossed straps in the back. This is apparently a design flaw.
From the time that I got it home and tried it on, I discovered I had entered into a wrestling match. Within moments it had me in a headlock, with one strap wrapped around my windpipe and the other strap pinning my arm behind my back. I had no idea the WWF was making swimwear.
With the straps randomly crisscrossing and the suit spontaneously turning inside out, it took on a life of its own. I searched to see if it had an “off” button or an instruction manual. There should have been a strip of plastic across the entire suit that read “For your safety and protection, do not attempt to wear this suit if you are not double-jointed.”
As I tried to squeeze my body into it, what I wanted was a swimwear shoehorn. As it turned out, I needed a running start and a trampoline to get into my suit. Putting on a swimsuit should not require a spotter.
I used to be critical of women who wore skimpy string bikinis. Now I recognize them for the geniuses that they are. It is so much simpler to tie a string around your cellulite than to try to squeeze it into a swatch of fabric that resists the idea from the start.
Besides, one-piece suits are not, shall we say, relief-friendly. Once they become wet, they are even harder to get back on than before. If there was ever an article of clothing that needed a drop flap, it is the one-piece swimsuit.
In the process of putting on my bathing suit I burned 1800 calories. Once I got it on, I didn’t even need to go swimming. I already had a workout. I had read that swimming gold medalist Michael Phelps eats 12,000 calories per day. Now I understand why.
Lynn Rebuck writes an award-winning humor column that appears weekly in print, online, and on Amazon Kindle. Email Lynn at www.LynnRebuck.com, and click to follow her on Facebook and Twitter. She’ll be struggling with her swimsuit in the restroom at the pool all summer. © 2010 Lynn Rebuck.
Tags: bathing suits, Costo, fashion, humor, pool, Seasons, Summer, swimming, Swimsuit, Women
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Springing Forward ©2011 Lynn Rebuck
Friday, March 18th, 2011
The switch to daylight savings time seems much harder this year. Each morning I’m not sure whether to spring forward or fall back to sleep.
My body keeps opting for the latter choice, which makes me late for everything.
I’m trying to comply with the time change. I’ve tried coffee. I’ve tried a cold shower. I’ve even tried drinking coffee in the shower.
I’ve tried setting multiple alarms only to discover that I apparently sleepwalk and turn off multiple alarms.
When I don’t get enough sleep my mind wanders easily and I start wondering about things I don’t normally think about.
I wonder if the woman who does the correct time recordings ever loses track of time.
I wonder if the people who make Timex watches have to set them all forward an hour every spring.
I wonder if the official NFL timekeeper is ever late for work.
A trust issue has developed between me and my body. Ever since the time change it feels I’ve been deceiving it.
As a graduate student in Marriage and Family Therapy I have learned about different therapeutic approaches to working with couples and families. One of my favorites is a method called Solution Focused Brief Therapy, a model that uses certain key questions. I decided to apply some of the questions to the time change issue.
“When did the problem start?”
“It started this past Sunday at 2 a.m.”
“What have you tried so far?”
“Coffee, cold showers, hot coffee in a cold shower.”
“How has it worked?”
“Was I on time for this appointment?”
“No.”
“There’s your answer.”
“If you woke up tomorrow morning and this was no longer a problem, how would you know it?”
“Yes, exactly. I’d know it.”
“Maybe I’m not being clear. If you woke up tomorrow morning and this was no longer a problem, how would you know it?”
“I’d wake up.”
“Yes, that’s right. If you woke up and it was no longer a problem, how would you know it?”
“That’s how. I’d wake up.”
“I see. What else have you tried?”
“We’ll, I (more…)
Tags: Daylight Savings Time, humor, marriage and family therapy, parenting, Seasons, solution focused brief therapy, solution focused therapy, spring, spring forward, time change
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Keep on Pluckin’ © 2010 Lynn Rebuck
Friday, December 17th, 2010
I have been molting all winter.
For months now people have been treating me like a Perdue chicken by plucking feathers off of me wherever I go. It’s the fault of my leaky down-filled coat. I don my down in mid-September, and remove it in early June. This winter, though, the down is trying to make an early escape.
Apparently there is a technique to prevent the sneaky feathers from abandoning the coat. My friends told me to put the coat in the dryer with three tennis balls. They never told me to first take the balls out of the can.
The feathers have caused me some embarrassment. Like when I spoke before a group of Christian writers. Afterward I learned that a large feather had been protruding from a prominent place on my chest the entire time. I had checked my hair and lipstick in the mirror prior to speaking; I had failed to thoroughly preen myself.
At church on Sunday I removed my coat only to find I had spontaneously sprouted wings. I was quickly recruited to portray an angel in the next dramatic presentation.
In the Bible it is promised in Isaiah 40 that, “They that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles.” I just never expected it to happen so suddenly.
Monday I went grocery shopping. I took off my coat and placed it in the cart only to discover that (more…)
Tags: clothing, cold, down, feathers, freezing, funny, humor, satire, Seasons, Snow, snowstorm, Weather, Winter, winter weather
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The Bathing Suit Workout©2010 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, July 7th, 2010
Memorial Day weekend marks the official opening of the summer swimming season, as most public pools choose the holiday weekend to open each year.
It also marks the beginning of swimsuit season, or as I refer to it, stretch mark season. It’s the time of the year when I reveal to the world the lines crisscrossing my body like lines of latitude and longitude. I am in the prime meridian of my life.
I pulled last year’s suit out of my drawer to discover an interesting phenomenon: spandex shrinks in cold winter weather, making it more difficult to don the suit than it was the last time I wore it. I have learned that the word “Speedo” does not refer to how fast a woman can put on a swimsuit.
I have been known to (more…)
Tags: Bathing Suit, Bikini, exercise, funny, humor, Michael Phelps, Seasons, Stretch Marks, Summer, swimming, Swimsuit, Women's Humor
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Fast Time and Fast Food ©2010 Lynn Rebuck
Wednesday, March 31st, 2010
I have long admired the Amish. Recently, I learned yet one more reason to respect them: some pay no mind to Daylight Saving Time.
A friend who used to drive for the Amish (a car, not a team of mules) told me that when arranging pickup times, the Amish would inquire whether the pickup time she stated was “fast time” or “slow time.”
Fast time is how the Amish refer to our odd practice of changing the time arbitrarily based on the calendar and someone’s bright (no pun intended) idea.
Clearly, “Fast Times at Amish High” has a whole different meaning than at Ridgemont High.
It seems that the cows belonging to the Amish (more…)
Tags: Amish, Arizona, Daylight Saving Time, funny, Hawaii, humor, Seasons, time change
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The Column Before the Storm ©2010 Lynn Rebuck
Thursday, February 11th, 2010
Arthur Secard is not a household name, but he should be.
We owe this man, this son of a dairy farmer, a debt of gratitude, especially after the week we have all been through. (more…)
Tags: Al Gore, Blizzard, Global Warming, history, inventors, Seasons, Snow, Snowblower, Snowmageddon, Storm, Weather, Winter
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Fall Back, Spring for Words
Friday, November 6th, 2009
Although the time change from Daylight Saving Time happened a few weeks ago, I still haven’t adjusted. It usually takes me six months to make the shift. By then it’s time to switch back.
While most people are aware that the whole concept that daylight could be saved was invented by that irrepressible inventor, Benjamin Franklin, many are unaware that he conceived of the idea after pulling a candle-lit almost-all-nighter in France.
Tags: Ben Franklin, Clean Humor, Daylight Saving, Daylight Savings Time, funny, history, humor, inventors, laughter, Seasons, time change
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